He was passing through the corridors after a long couple of days at work. It is late in the night, all the patients' rooms are dark except for the few small green and red beepers of the machines. He is tired, he feels dirty, and he is certainly hungry.

As he passes by the NICU he stops. He thinks he heard a cry. He goes inside trying to locate the source of that cry. He checks the incubators, one by one, all the babies are asleep. He always hated the NICU, he even hates their medicine. He reaches the last of the incubators, and stops there.

Unlike all the neonates here, this one sure is different. He approaches the glass, and grabs the chart. A premature female born to 28 weeks of gestation. He checks the file again, checks the name on the chart and on the incubator, its the same. But he thinks its impossible. As he looks at her again, she does not look like a neonate at all. She does not have wrinkles, she is not grisping her hands, and she does not have that red-purple tinge that all newborns have, rather she looks like a 9 months old cute baby.

Suddenly, she opens her eyes. The most strange eyes of a neonate he had ever seen. They were big, round eyes. The background is so sharply white against a dark black pupil. He knows that at her age, she is not supposed to be able to see him. All what she can recognize now is blurry shapes with no outlines. But she keeps staring at him, and he feels absorbed into her eyes.

he puts his hands on the incubator glass as he stares back at her. He knows for sure that the cry he heard is hers, but he does not know why. He even finds himself asking: Was it you? but all what he gets is the same stare.

He checks the chart again. She has all the problems he can recall an immature newborn could have. The immature lungs, the retinal problems, and even though her skin does not show it, she has high level of Bilirubin. He checks the the reading of the devices around her, and everything seems to be OK.

He washes his hands, bring the sterilized stethoscope, and insert his hands through the special openings, and starts checking her pulse, her breathing sounds, and her abdomen. With his limited expertise in Neonatal medicine, he finds nothing to report. As he was pulling his hands out, she raises his hand. she does not touch him. She just raises it. He looks at her face, its the same expressionless face, with that cold puppet eyes. But now, he can hear a loud voice in his head;

"Run"...

He keeps looking, and the voice keeps resonating in his head;

"Run"...

With that, she closes her eyes, and returns the way she was. He pulls his hands out, checks the chart again, takes another look at her, puts the chart back and leaves the room.

--------------------

Ever been in a situation where u have to take a decision in a matter of seconds? And the decision is really big... I mean really big.. like someone's life depends on it..

Your mind goes blank.. your heart rate reaches 200, And you're too overwhelmed that your subconscious takes over and takes that decision for you... And you feel grateful for that..

But the instant before your instinct kicked in..
There is something big that fills your entire brain with blackness
and you tremor.. You're afraid.. The feeling gets over you in a millisecond and you cant even move your tongue.. You can't take a breath, and everything is in blurry slow motion..

That instant.. You where paralyzed literally.. You can do nothing,,.. you can't even think.. You're dissociated from this world.. And you feel "I hate myself.. Is that all what I can do", "I hate this world", "why am I so pathetic"?

I fear it.. I fear this moment a lot.. And I have to face it a lot in my work.. It haunts me even when I want to sleep.

Its my only fear on this planet.. I haven't come to any mean that can help me overcome it.. And the worst part is, I know, I will die having the same phobia.. The phobia of that moment..

He came back from his work. His heart pounding, he wanted to embrace himself in her presence. He unlocked the door silently, walked the dark corridor to the bedroom on the tips of his toes. Still not adjusted to the darkness, he could sense the handle of the door at the reach of his hand. With a childish smile on his face he opened the door.

Everything was pitch black; nothing was different. But he knew. The smile wiped out. Nothing was showing on his face. The pounding was deafening. He dropped his suitcase on the ground. He cared not for his surprise. He walked towards the bed, and the floor squeaked. He could tell, she is breathing no more. Only he was able to tell so. He could know without seeing. He could tell how was she from the sound of her breath.

A small light was coming through the door. growing stronger with each second. He cared not. Its right behind him. Shadows dropped on his face as he stared at her. Its becoming warm, he could tell, but he cared not.

He was dropping to the ground. The light has assassinated him, just as it did to his love. And as he was falling, He stared at the angel of love. He looked at those angel's hands, covered in his blood. And just as he was giving out his last breath, he smiled, and the angel nodded as he left the room.

Life, every now and then, reminds us that we're in control of nothing. So every now and then, its expected to get f@@!ed in the A#! to keep us "in touch".

Whatever happened with me to make me write this journal, will add nothing to your life. So I am better without writing it. I believe its enough to say that it was painful. But with the immense amount of pain felt, certainly there was joy. Why? I don't know. Its the same feeling I get while I cut someone's abdomen open in O.R.. The first time I did it, it was disgusting. After that, every time I do it, I enjoy the smell of the burning flesh and I just cant get home to order me some B.B.Q..

Whatever gets in your way desperate readers and beloved fans of the twisted, hideous journal, hold on tight. The worst part is finished. Raise your heads up high, and look at life in its hideous face, and after spitting in its mouth, tell it how much enjoyable, the ride was.

Now, I am in a mood for a meat filled Pizza..
Have a nice day

Hehe.. Yeah, they're there, at the front of my head, always doing the same thing, watching the same thing, and are connected to the same center in my brain. Yep, something is going on indeed. I will work on discovering that.

In the meantime.. I am still in Syria counting the days and doing nothing but enjoying the free time to the degree of boredom. I miss work, and I miss .. killing, I mean, treating people. Also, thanx to maternal support, I am 10 KGs more in 20 days.. Woof.. Gotta escape soon..

Any advise on diets is really, really appreciated.. Thanx.